Sad Emotion ~ Ending Life

..So this is just a.. long story, of how terrible my life has been, and.. problems that occured. The worst ones anyway.

..I've always been a depressed child. Ever since I was born, no one.. no one.. Could get me to laugh, or smile, for at least 5 years. And even then, I didn't find hardly anything amusing, I smiled and/or laughed rarely...

I had bronchidus when I was younger, also ever since I was born. I got it very regularly, which isn't normal. My eyes were also completely (not just the iris, the whole eye) red when I was born, and my body was a tint of light grey, as if I was dead for a long time, just as I was being born.
And I was told, when I was about 12, by my mother, that I had stopped breathing several times as a young child. My heart stopped twice, around the ages of 1-4. The doctors couldn't get it to beat, they couldn't get me to breathe. . . But eventually, I did breathe again, and this happened each .. time. Now, 13, I notice, I've had many problems with breathing all my life. And I'm still depressed. Very depressed. I was emo once.

When I was 9. . . I lost my cat. My precious cat, whom I loved dearly. He was a very furry, black Persian. His name was Rascal. He wasn't just a pet . . . He was family. And he was mine. . .

I had gone to my best friend, Sarah's, house for the weekend. And when I came back . . . All the cats where laying on the couch (I had 3 others at that time), but . . . No Rascal. He hadn't come to the door to greet me, like he always had. I called him.
"Rascal ! !" And I was smiling, happy to see my cats again. But.. My mom came up to me, she was about to cry, and she hugged me.
"Rascal's gone. ." she said. I was shocked at first,
"What?"
"..Rascal.. He's gone.." <=O was my expression. "..I had to get rid of him. He was still peeing all over the furniture in the basement, and he's a Persian with attitude. He needs to be on his own," My eyes filled with tears. "..So I . . Called some people about it, and I found a family who wanted a cat, and they don't have any other pets, so I gave him to them," She sat on the chair, and I sat in her lap, facing her. She was crying now, and I was bawling. My pupils were as small as pin-points, tears soaked my face. . .Rascal was gone. . . And my mom did it when I wasn't around. I know it was for the best, but still . . . She looked at me, put her hands on my cheeks and made me look at her. "I'm sorry!" she said. I cried more. "But he was my cat !" I said. "I know.. but you'll be ok. And you'll get over it, in time," ..I shook my head. How could I get over my cat being given away while I wasn't there?! I didn't even get to say goodbye. . . I cried for the rest of that day, and for days later, I was silenced- I was a mute. I couldn't speak, I showed no emotion but sadness. I constantly cried. I stayed in my room as much as possible, and when I did leave, I walked like a zombie, my head down, thinking, "..Why..?"
My grades started going down rapidly at school, because I just couldn't concentrate. I hadn't many friends, and those who were, tried to cheer me up, but being a "mute", I also felt deaf, as I could hardly hear a word they said to me. I was just the living dead, sitting, moping in my seat day after day.

But eventually, I stopped crying, I was smiling every now and then. But ever since then, I've been the most emotional person I know, and the most emotional in my family.


Months, years later. . . I was looking at the pictures my grandma had taken of my cats on her phone, on her camera, and printed in albums. But everytime I'd pass a picture, I'd smile and laugh at the memories of my silly cats. But . . . then I saw one of Rascal. . . And I flipped out. I slammed the camera down, and I ran to my room, stomping up the stairs. My grandma and mom came up to see me. I was crying again.

"Whats the matterrrr ?!?" my Grandma asked, in a sweet but concerned voice, like she always does, and still does.
"..I saw a picture of .. R-Rascal..." I said.

And I was never considered "ok" since then. My mom called the people she gave the cat to everyday, but after 4 months, they stopped answering her calls, and she stopped crying. I've wondered, and worried myself to a severe condition of influenza, that Rascal might be dead. . .He was 8 when she got rid of him. Now, he's somewhere around the age of 14. . .

We live in Hamilton, ON now, where the new owners of my cat live (We lived in Chatham, 3 hours away, at the time) and everytime we'd drive past Rascal's home, my mom would be in an ok mood, and say
"Theres where Rascal lives!" I'd immediately stop talking, if I was, look away, close my eyes, and start crying . . . again . . .

Everytime I see a black cat, or a Persian, or someone says the word 'rascal' I get quite emotional, and often have to leave the room or hide my face. I keep thinking in my mind, and told my mom several times,
"..Its all your fault! You gave him away! He was mine! He could've gotten better! I could've teached him to be a good cat! He'd be alive right now if it wasn't for you !!" ..And then I'd just run off again, assuming he'd died after these 5 and a 1/2 years.

Yes, its been 5 and a 1/2 years, since I saw my beloved Rascal. And I'm crying now. I have never said the word Rascal, or the name, ever since then. I still have that precious picture of him laying on the back at the couch, looking as if he was woken up, but also looking as if he was 'smiling', looking at the camera. And I avoid it. I haven't looked at it, or found it in 3 years, but I have it. And the image is still burning in my mind.

And now .... ? ..My other cat was given away, by my mother again. She showed no emotion, as if she didn't care whatsoever. Her name was Sandie. We got her and Rascal just a year apart from each other. They were my first cats. Sandie is somewhere around the age of 10 now. Sadly. . . And here, at my moms new house with her fiance Richard- we now have 8 cats.

Morgan/Mogey, Murphy, Shiloh (my moms cat, hes 11, got him yrs before Rascal), Minnie, Tigger, Teddy Bear, and Jadyn. . . Thats only 7 . . . Thats because Murphy, the playful 2 year old, was 'playing' with Sandie one day, and accidentally ended up beating her up, and Sandie screamed, etc, she hid for days. No one could find her anywhere. Then . . . my mom gave her to my grandma. She has a cat, Charlie, and a skiddish [mental] dog, Maggie. Now my cat, Sandie. And I just 'transferred' myself from my g-parents to my moms yesterday. Now. . . I'll never see Sandie again.

Yesterday, around 12 PM, my mom came to my g-parents house, and started arguing with me,
"Why don't you want to move to the house? I need an answer now, 'cause your dads filing for a Emergency-Custody, so he can allow you to stay here at Grandma and Grandpa's,"
I couldn't speak. I was a 'mute' again, starting to shake. I fell to the couch, pop slipping from my hands. My g-ma, and my moms fiance came down, trying to get me to answer. But I couldn't. I didn't know why, there wasn't a reason. I hadn't a reason, and no body would listen to the fact that I just don't know. . .
But after I hugged my mom, etc, and she said,
"Come on... lets go to my house, you can see the kitties again,"
...And then I burst out crying my eyes out, again. She said,
"..What is it now?" And became quite concerned.
"...What? .... Is it Murphy, the crazy one? *Shakes head* ..Is it Morgan, the bad high-pitched one? *Shakes head* .. Jadyn? .. *Shakes head* .....Sandie?" And I cried more.
"..You don't want to leave her," *Shakes head* "..I know... But she has to be here, Amber. Or she'll get beat up again,"

I still cried, I cried non-stop until 8 PM.

I still miss Rascal, and I really miss Sandie now. Both of my cats, specifically, bought and given to me, were taken away from me. . . Without notice, without my permission. Jadyn, the 2nd Calico, very friendly, here (Minnie is the other one, a miniature [but fat, lol] one) always comes to me, meows so funny, but so cute, and etc . . .She's like my cat. All of them are, but The 3 new ones are mostly, Jadyn, Murphy, and Moe (Morgan / Mogey --- I call him Mogey).

But thats not enough. I need my other 2 cats. Or I'll be 100% heartbroken, again.

But I think I already am heartbroken. I'm beyond heartbroken. I'm dying inside. I'm almost dead inside, just not on the outside quite yet. Its only the slight beating of my heart, my thick-thick blood, and the people I ... l-love.. around me, that are keeping me alive.. And my friend. My best friend, Ryan, whom I met on youtube ... He always keeps me alive, too.

But back to yesterday. Around 2, I just started crying uncontrollably. Insanely! -Because I was sick, I had a high fever, I almost fainted, and I was crying so much, I couldn't breathe. My nose was both stuffed up and runny, so I couldn't breathe through my nose. And I kept my mouth closed almost the entire 3 hours she argued with me. I couldn't breathe at .. all. My chest, and stomach (stomach mostly) kept jerking forwards and backwards/inwards every 2nd, because I wasn't breathing, and I wasn't opening my mouth to let myself breathe. 8 minutes went by, I'd only let out 2 big and quick exhales, but I still wasn't breathing. My mom said,
"Can you stand?" --In order to hug me. But I shook my head and cried more, still holding in that -needs-to-get-out- breath in my tightened-chest. So she grabbed my 'dead' arms, and pulled me up. I almost fell, but she hugged me and said she loved me. I cried even more, and my face was 'in' her shoulder, so I had no way of breathing, even if I tried, now. But when she left the room, for me to get my stuff ready, I sat on my bed, and I was now hyperventilating to the extreme. I was seriously starting to black out, and it felt like someone had tied a thick rope around my forehead-area and ears super tight, because it felt like I had major blood pressure at the top of my head and in my ears for a while, then absolutely nothing. I couldn't hear a thing, I couldn't think, I couldn't speak, I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. But I forced myself to, and cried all the while to my moms house.

So thats what happened.

Last night, I had a major overdose on sugar (6 cans, and 1 710mL bottle of Coke), and I was feeling a little "giddy"... [I re-wrote this part May 22] --> *Says while sipping a can of coke*

Many times, that I've tried commiting suicide, we'd be talking already, and he'd always be there, even if only on Windows Live Messenger chat-- to keep me from killing myself. ~ROMANCE PART DE..LET..ED~ I promised him.. that I'd come to the States, to visit him, once I get my drivers license. We got the whole thing planned. We're going to sit outside at night, on the hood of his car, and stare up at the moon, stars, and sky itself. He'd put his arm around me and smile. And everything would go well. [*psst* ..Hey Ryan.. Do you enjoy being talked about? ; ) ..]

..He.. a friend 2 hours away, whom I've never met in person... Keeps me alive. Keeps me going through the day. Helps me to stop crying. Cheers me up no matter how upset I am. He.. I swear, only he- can get me to smile. No one else can, ever. Just Ryan . . .

...I should write a poem, or book, titled "Just Ryan". Yes, I will do that.

But anyway.. thats some really horrible parts of my life. I have many more, like when I had an ear infection soooo bad, and I was in so much pain everywhere else, and I almost had an pneumonia, and I had the flu to the extreme, I was sitting on the pull out bed in the living room, crying my eyes out quite loudly. My brother, Josh, came home from school. (My other brother will come home in an hour)
And he saw me, his look so concerned, so scared, so afraid and worried of the scene before him. His little sister crying her eyes out, in pain. That was a horrible time. And no, my mom didn't care for me, my other brother Jake didn't care for me. Josh did. Josh cared for me beyond "The Extreme". He helped me through the whole thing, and made me smile. I may say I hate my brothers at times, but hoenstly. I love them. I love Josh so much.

And I found out, by my dad, which made me realize how close we've been all our life. . .

[Said May 22: Hoollllllly sh*t..Ohhh my gawd... Re-reading that now, that sounds soooo much like f*cking incest!! =O .... ]

That when he left my moms house 5 years ago, to live with my dad, he hadn't a problem leaving my mom, or Jake behind . . . He had a big problem leaving me behind though. Sometimes he'd cry, because he missed me. He said he wished that I wasn't as young as I was, and was able to move with him.

A few years ago, for my birthday, I think it was, he found this gold heart, for a necklace, on the road one day. And he brought it inside, 4 little diamonds in it. He washed it, made it shine like it was brand new, and found a gold chain for it. And he gave me that for my birthday. I loved it, even though I didn't wear it very often. I'd even forgotten about it for a few years. But after my dad told me how Josh felt about leaving me, his little sister, behind (he told me this about a month ago) then I searched everywhere for my necklace, and I'm still wearing it now. I haven't taken it off once. He also gave me a dog-tag necklace, that says the band-name "Thornley" on it. I liked it, and he must've figured it out, so he gave it to me. I haven't taken that off since he gave it to me either (approx. 2 weeks ago). I miss my brother dearly now. I want to spend as much time as possible with him. He's a great brother.

EDIT-MAY22: ..For my 13th b-day, he made it the best. ......And I got a cake in the face..By him.. xD -Then, a whoollllee lot o' icing smeared on my face, also by him.

Now 19, almost 20, and in college, he's the best, humourous, crazy, loving, caring, sometimes-obnoxious brother... in the whole world. Jake on the other hand (16) is a little more of an aggravating jerk, but he cares. Doesn't show it almost whatsoever, but he cares. He has a heart. And I think he's gay, but.. thats fine. Because I love gay boys. ♥


Anyway. Thats it. My life-- well, a small portion, of my life story. You haven't heard the least bit of it. Just a verrry small portion of different problems.

So please comment. No one comments on anything on mine, makes me feel non-wanted, and like no one cares about me..

I've always been one to think "Everyone hates me, no one cares, everyone's a jerk, everyone's an @ss, I hate you all" ...

So please!!! Comment!!! Even if all you have to say is "hmm" ... Just..Please..comment...


:' )

Thanks for reading

~Kiana
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