Passing Out~

Sooo.. Just remembered now, as I just cut mah wrist faster, but deeper this time.. >.>

And I was starting to get the feelng of passing out. And I remembered.

It happened in grade 7. We [I think it was grades 6 - 8 or something] were supposed to get shots, 2 different dates. One sometime around April, I believe it was. The 2nd in May or June. Anyway..

I've always hated needes. Partially because I've always been given big needles

[-----------------------------] <---- That long, or longer


-and also because I had one stabbed into both arms fairly hard.. I've hated that dr ever since, and was so glad once we moved, and when we moved back, he'd retired. *sigh of relief*

..So anyway. I was hating the coming day, months before it'd happen. But.. the day finally came.

I sat in my seat most of the school day, irritated, not wanting the needle at all. But- Well, we were called down to the room they'd do it. [Back room of library]. We paired up with others. I paired up with Stephanie. She's-- she's a kewl girl, but she gets emotional easily, and- has a bit of a mental disorder. But she was always fun. So we walked down..Blah blah.

And I sat down in the chair, a little bit of a panic attack starting. I forced it away, and the girl put this needle in. I was like,

"..wtf... i didn't even feel it," and it was

[------------------------------] that long. lol~

Anyway, felt fine. Was cold, lol. But we left the room, smiling, laughing, and started walking back. Down the long hall. As we reached our classroom, I sat. I was fine, but then ... No sooner than 2 minutes later... it started.

I began to feel dizzy, maybe even really drunk. And my head started going down. Blood rushing like crazy. But then everything started to get really blurry, my head nearly dropped onto the desk, and everything was going black. I remember how it felt. I remember, and know what it feels like to "Black Out". My teacher's like,

"Its ok Amber, just 30 more minutes." And I started passing out quickly. Everyone stood up and is like,

"Omg!!" My teacher [Miss Green] called the nurse personnnn or w/e to bring me down to the room I was just at. And... What I will never forget. Kristian. He's has platinum blonde hair, w/ really small, shorttttt curls. And blue eyes, he was always a funny, prank-ful person to be around. His face-- So concerned, so full of worry. Without listening to the teacher, he ran out to me and started walking down the hall with me, and omg.. He attempted to hold my hand! =D

Anyway.. Some of my best friends, even Gage Jacques [I was seriously crushing on him], stood at the door, watching me be brought down the hall in a rolly chair. I was still passing out, everything black, blurry.. But the speed I was going down the hall, the cool air that formed, passing me.. Made me feel a little better. Starting "Coming back to my senses". They had me rest my head on the table, put an ice pack on my neck, and had me hold an ice-filled bag [Freeeezing, but felt good] up to the side of my face, and forehead with another. I couldn't move. The nurses, secretary, etc- tried to contact my mom, but she was working, etc. They finally got contact to her, and after that, I remember being wheeled back down the hall to my classroom [dk why tho] and Kristian was still standing there at the door, hands behind his back. He smiled, almost in relief as he saw me. Came up to me, smiling, put his hand on my shoulder/arm, and said,

"There.. You're colour's back now," ..

Awww!


And then, I remember nothing for a while.

The next thing I remembered was being in the van, at Giant Tiger with my mom, feeling 3/4 asleep. [Still kinda passing out]. She asked if I wanted Ginger Ale. I don't even know why I said yes, because I hate it. But then, she left to go get it. And I blacked out for a few minutes. Hardly remember even coming home..

Was horrible.

And thats it.

And as I say its horrible ...

I strangely want to feel that way again ...


So thats weird, eh?

Anyway, I'ma go. Thanks for reading [Yeah right, NO one does.. ]

x
Kiana

Some Funny Stuff~

Ok, so.. I've found some reasons to be happy since the... Saddening incident that occured recently, but~

Here's something I just randomly did..

Went to google and typed in some random stuff.. Some, I was surprised to see come up for something so random.

1) Oh my gawd I love chocolate
RESULT: "I LOVE CHOCOLATE!" -On facebook

2) Holy blonde cheerleader batman
RESULT: Tonnnns of Supernatural stuff =D

3) That was scary [Soooo random, anything can come up, right? But what I had in mind, actually came up..]
RESULT: Dean Winchester, Supernatural, Youtube: "That was scary!"

4) Holy Sh*t [Without asterik]
RESULT: Some pictures, something on MySpace, a result in an Urban Dictionary ! xD , and
"Holy Sh*t, Man walks on f*cking moon!"

5) Ooh la la
RESULT: "Ooh la la diva", lyrics, Result in Wikipedia, a tanning studio!!

6) Battlefield OMG [Yes, i typed that]
RESULT: The song, Battlefield, Yahoo Answers result- "Omg, Battlefield bad company really pisses me off" , some random Battlefield- games. [Surprising Battlefield 2142 didnt come up.. = / ..]

Anywayyy ..Some random stuff. My brother typed in something really weird once. It was funny something actually came up for it.

So I wanna know. Do you do this crazy kind of stuff?

Or do you just type in a random site you think up, at random? See if it exists?

Heh.. I just typed in "Wincest.com"

Says "Domain is no longer supported by advertiser" . Lol, but- AWWWWW!!! = (

And some other random things.. Came up- as sites for sale.. and those random advertising sites- >.<"

Anywayyy... I'ma go now..

OH! FF7: Dirge of Cerberus ftw! Played it tonight at my dads.. Sooo ...KEWL... Some parts are a little hard, but its fun. Vincent ftw~ xD

And GH ftw, too.. I played GHIII like I always do, then I tried out Aerosmith... Kinda boring for me, since I'm not that big of a fan of Aerosmith, but- Wasn't too bad.

Aaaand... Unfortunately, didn't get the chance to play Modern Warfare 2, but thats ok..


::: READ - READ - READ :::

BEST F*CKING PART OF THE F*CKING NIGHT:

I .. WATCHED .. SUPERNATURAL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KYAAAAAAAA!!! BEST ... SHOW ... EVERRR!!!


Anyway.. *Sniff*.............. >.> ...........DEAN'S SOOO HOTTTTT... SO IS SAAMMMMMMM ...

Heh, it was -- kinda funny at some parts. The episode where Sam and Dean turn into spirits, and go to this boys house, blah blah- They're trying to find the Reaper, which appears as Black Smoke... Etc etc, pretty kewl.. Dean ALMOST wasn't brought "Back to life" .. Cuz the girl that turned them to Spirits, was stabbed in zee stomachhhh ... >.<"

But thank GOD she was alive long enough to bring him back... =D


Anywayyy.. I'ma go now..

Officially..

X
Kiana

Tears of Sorrow

... So .... Guess what ........ My cat died ..... <='(


... He was such a good cat. Deserved life- deserved a long life. But... He only lived 4 years...

He was moaning and meowing strange one day, we helped him, the vet came, he slept alot- Just 1 and 1/2 days later-- ...... Mogey ..... *Cries uncontrollably* .... died....

We had no idea what it was, nor did the vet for some reason~

May 24, sometime around 12 - 7 AM, Mogey passed away from us..

I found out at 10 AM, my mom told me- and now, 7:16, I'm still crying, and I have been since my mom told me. So, 9 hours of non-stop crying- seriously..

Its not fair ... I've already lost 2 cats, now Mogey, and probably another really soon, because he's sooooo thin, and nothing seems to be helping him ...


The only thing I gave Mogey, in his box/casket... Was a piece of paper, from a fancy journal thing, fancy page... On the top it said,

"I close my eyes in order to see" and I wrote something similar to:

Dear Morgan,

I always laughed when we snapped, or called your name and you came running. And that super high-pitched meow of yours..

And I know, that in Kitty Heaven, you'll be looking down, knowing, and seeing how much we care about you, and love you.

Your time here on this earth was short, but it was the best time ever.
You're the most precious cat ever, Morgan..

I'll never forget you, Mogey..

I love you forever,
~Amber



... And I rolled the paper up into scroll-style, took this ring I'd had for years, it has a cross on it- And I put it on/over the scroll to keep it rolled up, and I took a necklace that said 'Amber' on it, and slipped that in, so Morgan never forgets me, just like I'll never forget him.

It was so hard to deal with, and still is~

Cat 1) Rascal, persian, he was given away by my mom while I was away from home..
Cat 2) Sandie, brown/black tabby, was given away to my g-ma without my permission~
Cat 3) ...Mogey.......
Cat 4) If he goes too, It'll be because of being so skinny, and us not being able to do anything to help..

I made a Tribute-Video to Morgan, my kitty who's now gone....... ='(

Check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JYkWF_Ll5yU

If it doesn't work, the video is called:

Tribute To My Cat - I don't Wanna Miss A Thing ~RIP Morgan~

If you can't find that itself, go to my youtube channel: "777Kiana" and find that video..



Morgan "Mogey" N.
Died: May 24, 2010

I love you forever, Mogey... [Do you know how much I love you now, Mogey?] ='(

R.I.P Forever


X
Kiana

SUPERNATURAL: Saddest Thing I've Ever Seen

Soo....I'm crying right now. More than I ever have I think.

Omg.. Saddest f*cking thing I've ever seen. I'm serious. I'm not joking around. I'm crying uncontrollably right now as I type this, which is hard. But I felt like I had to write about it or I'd probably try killing myself again.

I was crying earlier because I found out my 4 y.o cat might be dying. And then, cried on the bathroom floor for 10 minutes. Was fine for an hour, then after everyone went to bed, I looked in my youtube favourites list. And I found the video I saw earlier-earlier, at my grandparents house, but I had to go when I found it, so I just saved it to watch later.

And so I did. I watched it 5 minutes ago.

I don't think I can watch Wincest videos anymore, or even Supernatural. Especially if the scenes in the movie are season 5- Because on tv, season 4 just ended, and I only saw the season-finale and I was hooked.

But after seeing this video.. I'm just a complete broken-hearted person. *Still crying*

I.......I want ..... I want him back... Sam...How could you.....How could you die .. ?! ......

He ... went off to war or something~ ... And of course......Died....

And the videos so f*cking sad~

I swear to God, I am not laughing or joking.

If you want to see it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0BYc5bYZzo&playnext_from=TL&videos=wABSJBnyL4w

[Just looking at that link, pasting it- And seeing the video title, I start crying more]

This song is so sad, but this video is even more sad than the actual Just A Dream music video..

Just thought I'd share that.....


*CRYING MORRRE*


Sammy!! ... No.....Why.... Why?! ...... Why did you- Why did you not listen to Dean?! Why'd you ignore him and just go?! Why'd you break your promise?!? .....You promised.....You promised everything would be alright. You promised you'd return soon.. But you didn't~ You went off to war and died! ..... Leaving Dean crying his eyes out over you... Why...Just- why, Sammy.......

YOU STUPID JACK@$$!!! ... Why couldn't you have listened to your older brother?! Why did you have to be so fucking stubborn?!?!?!? .....

*Deans behind me, crying as I scream at Sammy / the grave / his picture*
*Dean walks up to me* *I turn and cry my eyes out, my heart completely shattered- 'in' his chest*

.......*Whispers* : Why...........





-See how emotional I am? Like I said- I'm serious. This is not a joke, people...

If thats true, and Sammy never returns.....RIP Sammy .....


- *Stops crying* ....... I'm- I was looking online to see what season and episode that happens in.. And I found a site of someone saying Season 2, ep. 21 & 22.. So I'm watching 21-online.... And....Just seeing what happens...

..Omfg, thats fucking freaky~ ...................

....*Gasp* .. You little b*tch! [Girl left the house, came back, killed the dude, smirking- then screamed and cried innocently, and freaked out on Sam]

...Anyway, I'm more calm, just- Just a little- mad at this girl, and not really freaked out- I like this episode, its just...weird, and freaky itself..

Sooo- If anyone knows, PLEASE let me know what season and episode that is Sam dies in war.. <='( ...

Ok, so it looks like I CAN watch another Wincest video..A hilarious one @ that..
TURN YOUR SPEAKERS DOWN
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=InEDqiSvFEk




Thanks

X
Kiana

Wincest!

Omg, I have another new, favourite Yaoi-Pairing / Gay Couple! Wincest!

'What exactly is Wincest?' you may ask?

Well, Wincest is 'derived' from 2 words, combined.

1 - Winchester

2 - Incest

The people? Sam and Dean Winchester. Both brothers. But they're soooo cute!

If you don't know who I'm talking about- Sam and Dean, brothers, are the main characters in tv-show, Supernatural [Which is on DVD in Season-Sets!]

But SERIOUSLY, sooo hottt!!

Heres some really good Wincest videos..

1) Letting The Cables Sleep Sam/Dean [HEAVY WINCEST]

2) HOT - Wincest

3) Addicted [Sam/Dean]

4) "Say You Love Me"

And many more..

So anyway, do you- Like Wincest? Yes, no? Maybe so? Well, my answer is certainly yes. I ADORE WINCEST!

So please, let me know! ..Do you love Wincest? ..Like it? ...Despise it ?!?!? Whaaaatt?!?! Noooo waayyy can you despise Wincest! ..If you do... You're goin' down... *Glares at*

Anyway- can you tell I'm obsessed? And I just watched one episode, yesterday! It was the finale for season 4. First episode I've seen- my mom, stepdad, and occasionally my brother watch it.. So I decided,

"Hey.. Its on, I'll turn around and check it out," And ooooh, I loved it! And so, while watching, I had some thoughts, and then, as soon as it ended, went on my stepdads laptop.

"Are Sam and Dean brothers, or are they gay?" I searched at google, and I found a LOVELY site. ^_^ And so- I heard of Wincest, and since then, I have been overly obsessed!! But who wouldn't be? This incest-pairing is so fucking hot! And cute.. ^_^

Anyway, just thought I'd share that with yuh..

Thanks for Reading

x

Kiana

Random Facts 2: Sleep

Hey~ So what's happenin', people? ..Not much? ..Right. Of course. Nothing good ever happens anymore.

So anyway, this isn't completely "Random Facts 2", because I'll be regular-blogging about Sleep aswell, but thats ok. I can still name it that, lol.


So. . .

Sleeping Positions

Did you know, that you can tell alot about a person's personality, just by the position they sleep in? So how do you sleep? What's your position? Whether by chance, or choice, it will tell you about your personality, and can have some pretty surprising results. So here's some sleeping positions, see which one you sleep in?

1) The Fetal Position

By far, the most common sleeping position, fetal-position sleepers are generally tough on the outside, but generous, and soft on the inside- They're usually shy when they first meet someone new, but soon will open up and relax.

Fun Fact 1: Twice as many women as men, sleep in this position

-Also, for this position. The position you are in for 9 months, before you are born. Now of course you will not have remembered that, because you weren't even born yet, nor did you have an 'official' state-of-mind. But that must've been comortable, 95%-sure why, you sleep in this position more often than others. Because it gives you the comfort of being safely kept away and protected, in your mother's womb.

2) The Log

Those who lye on their sides, with both arms down straight, are generally social, outgoing, and enjoy being part of the in-crowd. "Logs" are very-trusting of strangers, but are quite often characterized as gullible/naive. This is the 2nd most-popular position.

3) The Yearner

Yearners' sleep on their sides, with both arms stretched out infront of them. They are said to have an open-nature, but tend to be slightly suspicious and cynical. It takes them awhile to make up their minds, but once they decide on something, they rarely waver.

4) The Soldier

If you sleep on your back, with both arms pinned at your sides, chances are, you are quiet and reserved. You don't like to make a fuss, but do set high standards for yourself and others.

Not-So-Fun-Fact 1: "Soldier"-sleepers are more likely to snore, and usually have nightmares/bad dreams, aswell as a flat-out, bad-night's-sleep.

5) The Freefall

Brace yourself~ People who sleep on their stomachs, with their hands up around their head, can come off as brash and unreserved, but are really a little nervy, and thin-skinned underneath. Freefalls don't like criticism or extreme situations.

Fun Fact 2: Sleeping like this is good for digestion.

6) The Starfish

If you lye on your back, with both arms up on your pillow [around your head], you are always ready to listen and often offer help where/when needed. Starfish sleepers generally make good-friends, but tend to dislike being the centre of attention.

Not-So-Fun-Fact 2: This typically leads to snoring, and a restless sleep.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The average person requires 7-8 hours of sleep. Some can get by with just 6, while others can't get through the day without 9-10.

Over the past century, Americans' sleep-time as decreased by 20%. And televisions, computers, and other electronics [TV and Computers being the main ones] are the cause of this.

Did you know this? Many Americans' are sleep-deprived~

- 50% report sleepiness on the job interferes with the amount of work they accomplish.
- 40% of workers say they have trouble staying awake on the job
- 69% of American/Canadian adults experience frequent sleep problems.
- 80% of resondents say more sleep would benefit the overall health, safety and well-being.
- Over 50% of all Americans', reported to have driven while drowsy over the past year, and nearyly 20% have claimed to have dozed off while driving.
- 100,000 auto-incidents occur each year because of fall-asleep-crashes.

--> 2001 - 2003 INFO RECORDED

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

10 Cool Sleep-Facts You Might Like To Know

1) Its impossible to tell if someone is asleep, because you can take catnaps with your eyes open and never even realize it.

2) Dreams, once thought to only be able to occur during REM stages of sleep, can actually happen (Just not as much) during non-REM stages of sleep- therefore, it is possible that there might not be a single moment of sleep, when we are actually "dreamless" .

3) REM dreams are characterized by bizarre plots, but non-REM dreams are repetitive, and thought-like, with little imagery- obessively returning to a suspicion you left your cellphone somewhere, for example.

4) Humans sleep on average, 3 hours less than other primates, such as chimps, rhesus monkeys, squirrel monkeys, and baboons, all of which whom sleep for 10 hours.

5) Ducks at risk of attack by predators, are able to balance the need for sleep and survival, by keeping one half of the brain awake and alert, while the other half slips into sleep-mode.

6) The "Natural Alarm Clock" which enables some people to make up more or less than wanted, is caused by a burst of the stress hormone, adrenocorticotropin. Researchers say this reflects an unconscious anticipation of the stress of waking up.

7) Elephants sleep standing up during non-REM sleep, but lye down for REM sleep.

8) Tiny luminous rays from an alarm clock can be enough to disrupt the sleep-cycle even if you do not fully awaken. The light turns off a 'neutral switch' in the brain, causing levels of a key sleep chemical decline within minutes. [Yes, true, I heard this on a few shows about 2 years ago]

9) The record for the longest period without sleep is -18 days, 21 hours, and 40 minutes- during a rocking-chair marathon. The record holder reported hallucinations, paranoia, blurred vision, slurred speech, and memory and concentration lapses.

10) Have you heard of 'sexsomnia synrom' ? Well, its a condition completely distinct from sleepwalking and is a form of a sleep disorder called "REM Behavioral Disorder". The condition can range in severity from disruptive moaning to unwanted, and sometimes violent, sexual advances their partners~ !!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SleepWalking Facts

Sleepwalking - Explanations

There is a 'sleep centre' in the brain, which controls the sleeping and waking of the body. When you sleep, the sleep centre blocks off a part of the brain, preventing you from moving or walking while asleep. Generally, the sleep centre and the body, is/are connected, but sometimes is can separate. Under such conditions, while the brain goes to sleep, your body remains awake. The people suffering from this condition sit up in their sleep, or stand near the bed. Some even go for a stroll, but do not usually remember this incident later.

[Ok, this has, many times happened to me before, but the 'sits up in bed or stands near it' just sounds completely creepy.. >.> ......<.< ...]

Fact: A full bladder will often cause a person to sleepwalk, hence, you should avoid drinking before bed.

Main Facts:

1) When a person begins sleepwalking at very-early-age (Such as, Toddler-Years), the disorder disappears as they grow older. If a child begins sleepwalking at a very young age (perhaps 3-7), then it will most likely 'disappear' by the age of 13. However- if a child doesn't begin sleepwalking until about the age of 9/10, it will generally continue through adulthood.

2) Boys are more prone to sleepwalking than girls are. [Not fair!!]

3) The sleepwalking starts about an hour and a half after the person has gone to sleep.

WARNING: DO NOT EVER DISRUPT, OR TRY TO WAKE A SLEEPWALKER! AS IT MAY FRIGHTEN THEM, AND CAN LEAD TO MAJORLY VIOLENT ISSUES!!

But do try, if they're not completely 'wobbly', or their eyes are not open, but very dark, to walk them back to their beds, or guide them there.

Btw: Did you know, that someone who is sleeptalking- will last anywhere from a few seconds, to a half hour? And, you can hold a full conversation with them. Also a good prank to play, as to finding out some interesting information. But generally, sleeptalkers will mumble or, sometimes, speak clearly- random useless things. Even things that make no sense whatsoever. For an example, a girl saying,

"..No, the fish ate your sandwich" ..... Now thats random. But it does happen~ This is what happens during REM sleep, by the way, as I stated before, REM is created by bizarre plots, and thoughts as you sleep. Such as, a fish eating someone's sandwich, for example. 0.o


1) I have a past of sleepwalking. Started for me, around the age of 11. So therefore, I can still sleepwalk! Some people completely dislike this idea, but I honestly think sleepwalking is so cool, and I love it when I find out I have been sleepwalking. At my previous house, I would often wake up, in the bathroom- [Hence- "A full bladder will often trigger the phase of sleepwalking"] But I never minded. Once, I nearly went downstairs to make some toast! But just as I was about to step onto the first step down, I woke up. "......Huh?! ..What am I doing out h- ...Ohhh..Sleepwalking.. =) .."

2) My sleeping position is usually the "Fetal" and moreso, the "Yearner" position. Yes, I am very indecisive, I'm a very suspicious person to be around ; ) , and I am generally cynical or evil about things. Though don't get me wrong, I'm a very caring person!! I'm just a violent, 'evil' teen. However, I would only hurt someone, such as a murder, in games. So don't worry! You're safe! =D -And once I make up my mind [after about.. 7 hours ---> 1 MONTH], I almost never change my mind again. ^.^


Anyway, just thought I'd share this cool stuff with you. Let me know your sleeping positions, etc. Do you sleepwalk ???

X
Kiana

OMG OMG OMG, AM I DRUNK?!?

So like-- OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!! AM I DRUNK?!?!?!?!?!?!?

OOOOKK!!! SO I'M 13, AND I FUCKING JUST DRANK 1 SHOT OF STRAWBERRY-VODKA [35% ALCOHOL] AND WHOOOO! ITSSSS GOOOOOOD... BUT AM I DRUNK?!?

I'M WOBBLY, STUMBLING A LITTLE, LIGHTHEADED ALOT, THEN HEAVY-HEADED [HEAD FALLS BACK] ALOT, AND HALF-LIDDED EYES, SLIGHTLY DILATED PUPILS, AND I'M HAVING SOME TROUBLES TYPING-!! VERRRRRRYYY SLIGHT HALLUCINATION-- NOT MUCH AT ALL!! MAINLY JUST DIZZY-EYED ... SOOO?!?!?

TELLLL MMEEEEEE!!!! AM I DRUNK, OR JUST "BUZZED" A LITTLE?!?!

WHEN I WAS ABOOUUUTTTT...... EARLY-12 I THINK?? I HAD A FULLLL 11% ALCOLHOL BOTTLE OF RED WINE TO MYSELF, DRANK IT ALL WITHIN A WEEK, ABOUT 2-5 GLASSES A DAY, WITH A TINY BIT OF SPRITE IN IT... I WASN'T DRUNK THEN, BUT COME.. ONN!! THIS IS VODKA WE'RE TALKIN' ABOUT!!!!! AND 35% ALCOHOL!!!

....ANywaayyyy...I was just "celebrating" cuz GTA SA downloaded for PC, works, after getting rid of Avast, the worst program in the entire world..

BYYYEE!!!!!!!

Sad Emotion ~ Ending Life

..So this is just a.. long story, of how terrible my life has been, and.. problems that occured. The worst ones anyway.

..I've always been a depressed child. Ever since I was born, no one.. no one.. Could get me to laugh, or smile, for at least 5 years. And even then, I didn't find hardly anything amusing, I smiled and/or laughed rarely...

I had bronchidus when I was younger, also ever since I was born. I got it very regularly, which isn't normal. My eyes were also completely (not just the iris, the whole eye) red when I was born, and my body was a tint of light grey, as if I was dead for a long time, just as I was being born.
And I was told, when I was about 12, by my mother, that I had stopped breathing several times as a young child. My heart stopped twice, around the ages of 1-4. The doctors couldn't get it to beat, they couldn't get me to breathe. . . But eventually, I did breathe again, and this happened each .. time. Now, 13, I notice, I've had many problems with breathing all my life. And I'm still depressed. Very depressed. I was emo once.

When I was 9. . . I lost my cat. My precious cat, whom I loved dearly. He was a very furry, black Persian. His name was Rascal. He wasn't just a pet . . . He was family. And he was mine. . .

I had gone to my best friend, Sarah's, house for the weekend. And when I came back . . . All the cats where laying on the couch (I had 3 others at that time), but . . . No Rascal. He hadn't come to the door to greet me, like he always had. I called him.
"Rascal ! !" And I was smiling, happy to see my cats again. But.. My mom came up to me, she was about to cry, and she hugged me.
"Rascal's gone. ." she said. I was shocked at first,
"What?"
"..Rascal.. He's gone.." <=O was my expression. "..I had to get rid of him. He was still peeing all over the furniture in the basement, and he's a Persian with attitude. He needs to be on his own," My eyes filled with tears. "..So I . . Called some people about it, and I found a family who wanted a cat, and they don't have any other pets, so I gave him to them," She sat on the chair, and I sat in her lap, facing her. She was crying now, and I was bawling. My pupils were as small as pin-points, tears soaked my face. . .Rascal was gone. . . And my mom did it when I wasn't around. I know it was for the best, but still . . . She looked at me, put her hands on my cheeks and made me look at her. "I'm sorry!" she said. I cried more. "But he was my cat !" I said. "I know.. but you'll be ok. And you'll get over it, in time," ..I shook my head. How could I get over my cat being given away while I wasn't there?! I didn't even get to say goodbye. . . I cried for the rest of that day, and for days later, I was silenced- I was a mute. I couldn't speak, I showed no emotion but sadness. I constantly cried. I stayed in my room as much as possible, and when I did leave, I walked like a zombie, my head down, thinking, "..Why..?"
My grades started going down rapidly at school, because I just couldn't concentrate. I hadn't many friends, and those who were, tried to cheer me up, but being a "mute", I also felt deaf, as I could hardly hear a word they said to me. I was just the living dead, sitting, moping in my seat day after day.

But eventually, I stopped crying, I was smiling every now and then. But ever since then, I've been the most emotional person I know, and the most emotional in my family.


Months, years later. . . I was looking at the pictures my grandma had taken of my cats on her phone, on her camera, and printed in albums. But everytime I'd pass a picture, I'd smile and laugh at the memories of my silly cats. But . . . then I saw one of Rascal. . . And I flipped out. I slammed the camera down, and I ran to my room, stomping up the stairs. My grandma and mom came up to see me. I was crying again.

"Whats the matterrrr ?!?" my Grandma asked, in a sweet but concerned voice, like she always does, and still does.
"..I saw a picture of .. R-Rascal..." I said.

And I was never considered "ok" since then. My mom called the people she gave the cat to everyday, but after 4 months, they stopped answering her calls, and she stopped crying. I've wondered, and worried myself to a severe condition of influenza, that Rascal might be dead. . .He was 8 when she got rid of him. Now, he's somewhere around the age of 14. . .

We live in Hamilton, ON now, where the new owners of my cat live (We lived in Chatham, 3 hours away, at the time) and everytime we'd drive past Rascal's home, my mom would be in an ok mood, and say
"Theres where Rascal lives!" I'd immediately stop talking, if I was, look away, close my eyes, and start crying . . . again . . .

Everytime I see a black cat, or a Persian, or someone says the word 'rascal' I get quite emotional, and often have to leave the room or hide my face. I keep thinking in my mind, and told my mom several times,
"..Its all your fault! You gave him away! He was mine! He could've gotten better! I could've teached him to be a good cat! He'd be alive right now if it wasn't for you !!" ..And then I'd just run off again, assuming he'd died after these 5 and a 1/2 years.

Yes, its been 5 and a 1/2 years, since I saw my beloved Rascal. And I'm crying now. I have never said the word Rascal, or the name, ever since then. I still have that precious picture of him laying on the back at the couch, looking as if he was woken up, but also looking as if he was 'smiling', looking at the camera. And I avoid it. I haven't looked at it, or found it in 3 years, but I have it. And the image is still burning in my mind.

And now .... ? ..My other cat was given away, by my mother again. She showed no emotion, as if she didn't care whatsoever. Her name was Sandie. We got her and Rascal just a year apart from each other. They were my first cats. Sandie is somewhere around the age of 10 now. Sadly. . . And here, at my moms new house with her fiance Richard- we now have 8 cats.

Morgan/Mogey, Murphy, Shiloh (my moms cat, hes 11, got him yrs before Rascal), Minnie, Tigger, Teddy Bear, and Jadyn. . . Thats only 7 . . . Thats because Murphy, the playful 2 year old, was 'playing' with Sandie one day, and accidentally ended up beating her up, and Sandie screamed, etc, she hid for days. No one could find her anywhere. Then . . . my mom gave her to my grandma. She has a cat, Charlie, and a skiddish [mental] dog, Maggie. Now my cat, Sandie. And I just 'transferred' myself from my g-parents to my moms yesterday. Now. . . I'll never see Sandie again.

Yesterday, around 12 PM, my mom came to my g-parents house, and started arguing with me,
"Why don't you want to move to the house? I need an answer now, 'cause your dads filing for a Emergency-Custody, so he can allow you to stay here at Grandma and Grandpa's,"
I couldn't speak. I was a 'mute' again, starting to shake. I fell to the couch, pop slipping from my hands. My g-ma, and my moms fiance came down, trying to get me to answer. But I couldn't. I didn't know why, there wasn't a reason. I hadn't a reason, and no body would listen to the fact that I just don't know. . .
But after I hugged my mom, etc, and she said,
"Come on... lets go to my house, you can see the kitties again,"
...And then I burst out crying my eyes out, again. She said,
"..What is it now?" And became quite concerned.
"...What? .... Is it Murphy, the crazy one? *Shakes head* ..Is it Morgan, the bad high-pitched one? *Shakes head* .. Jadyn? .. *Shakes head* .....Sandie?" And I cried more.
"..You don't want to leave her," *Shakes head* "..I know... But she has to be here, Amber. Or she'll get beat up again,"

I still cried, I cried non-stop until 8 PM.

I still miss Rascal, and I really miss Sandie now. Both of my cats, specifically, bought and given to me, were taken away from me. . . Without notice, without my permission. Jadyn, the 2nd Calico, very friendly, here (Minnie is the other one, a miniature [but fat, lol] one) always comes to me, meows so funny, but so cute, and etc . . .She's like my cat. All of them are, but The 3 new ones are mostly, Jadyn, Murphy, and Moe (Morgan / Mogey --- I call him Mogey).

But thats not enough. I need my other 2 cats. Or I'll be 100% heartbroken, again.

But I think I already am heartbroken. I'm beyond heartbroken. I'm dying inside. I'm almost dead inside, just not on the outside quite yet. Its only the slight beating of my heart, my thick-thick blood, and the people I ... l-love.. around me, that are keeping me alive.. And my friend. My best friend, Ryan, whom I met on youtube ... He always keeps me alive, too.

But back to yesterday. Around 2, I just started crying uncontrollably. Insanely! -Because I was sick, I had a high fever, I almost fainted, and I was crying so much, I couldn't breathe. My nose was both stuffed up and runny, so I couldn't breathe through my nose. And I kept my mouth closed almost the entire 3 hours she argued with me. I couldn't breathe at .. all. My chest, and stomach (stomach mostly) kept jerking forwards and backwards/inwards every 2nd, because I wasn't breathing, and I wasn't opening my mouth to let myself breathe. 8 minutes went by, I'd only let out 2 big and quick exhales, but I still wasn't breathing. My mom said,
"Can you stand?" --In order to hug me. But I shook my head and cried more, still holding in that -needs-to-get-out- breath in my tightened-chest. So she grabbed my 'dead' arms, and pulled me up. I almost fell, but she hugged me and said she loved me. I cried even more, and my face was 'in' her shoulder, so I had no way of breathing, even if I tried, now. But when she left the room, for me to get my stuff ready, I sat on my bed, and I was now hyperventilating to the extreme. I was seriously starting to black out, and it felt like someone had tied a thick rope around my forehead-area and ears super tight, because it felt like I had major blood pressure at the top of my head and in my ears for a while, then absolutely nothing. I couldn't hear a thing, I couldn't think, I couldn't speak, I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. But I forced myself to, and cried all the while to my moms house.

So thats what happened.

Last night, I had a major overdose on sugar (6 cans, and 1 710mL bottle of Coke), and I was feeling a little "giddy"... [I re-wrote this part May 22] --> *Says while sipping a can of coke*

Many times, that I've tried commiting suicide, we'd be talking already, and he'd always be there, even if only on Windows Live Messenger chat-- to keep me from killing myself. ~ROMANCE PART DE..LET..ED~ I promised him.. that I'd come to the States, to visit him, once I get my drivers license. We got the whole thing planned. We're going to sit outside at night, on the hood of his car, and stare up at the moon, stars, and sky itself. He'd put his arm around me and smile. And everything would go well. [*psst* ..Hey Ryan.. Do you enjoy being talked about? ; ) ..]

..He.. a friend 2 hours away, whom I've never met in person... Keeps me alive. Keeps me going through the day. Helps me to stop crying. Cheers me up no matter how upset I am. He.. I swear, only he- can get me to smile. No one else can, ever. Just Ryan . . .

...I should write a poem, or book, titled "Just Ryan". Yes, I will do that.

But anyway.. thats some really horrible parts of my life. I have many more, like when I had an ear infection soooo bad, and I was in so much pain everywhere else, and I almost had an pneumonia, and I had the flu to the extreme, I was sitting on the pull out bed in the living room, crying my eyes out quite loudly. My brother, Josh, came home from school. (My other brother will come home in an hour)
And he saw me, his look so concerned, so scared, so afraid and worried of the scene before him. His little sister crying her eyes out, in pain. That was a horrible time. And no, my mom didn't care for me, my other brother Jake didn't care for me. Josh did. Josh cared for me beyond "The Extreme". He helped me through the whole thing, and made me smile. I may say I hate my brothers at times, but hoenstly. I love them. I love Josh so much.

And I found out, by my dad, which made me realize how close we've been all our life. . .

[Said May 22: Hoollllllly sh*t..Ohhh my gawd... Re-reading that now, that sounds soooo much like f*cking incest!! =O .... ]

That when he left my moms house 5 years ago, to live with my dad, he hadn't a problem leaving my mom, or Jake behind . . . He had a big problem leaving me behind though. Sometimes he'd cry, because he missed me. He said he wished that I wasn't as young as I was, and was able to move with him.

A few years ago, for my birthday, I think it was, he found this gold heart, for a necklace, on the road one day. And he brought it inside, 4 little diamonds in it. He washed it, made it shine like it was brand new, and found a gold chain for it. And he gave me that for my birthday. I loved it, even though I didn't wear it very often. I'd even forgotten about it for a few years. But after my dad told me how Josh felt about leaving me, his little sister, behind (he told me this about a month ago) then I searched everywhere for my necklace, and I'm still wearing it now. I haven't taken it off once. He also gave me a dog-tag necklace, that says the band-name "Thornley" on it. I liked it, and he must've figured it out, so he gave it to me. I haven't taken that off since he gave it to me either (approx. 2 weeks ago). I miss my brother dearly now. I want to spend as much time as possible with him. He's a great brother.

EDIT-MAY22: ..For my 13th b-day, he made it the best. ......And I got a cake in the face..By him.. xD -Then, a whoollllee lot o' icing smeared on my face, also by him.

Now 19, almost 20, and in college, he's the best, humourous, crazy, loving, caring, sometimes-obnoxious brother... in the whole world. Jake on the other hand (16) is a little more of an aggravating jerk, but he cares. Doesn't show it almost whatsoever, but he cares. He has a heart. And I think he's gay, but.. thats fine. Because I love gay boys. ♥


Anyway. Thats it. My life-- well, a small portion, of my life story. You haven't heard the least bit of it. Just a verrry small portion of different problems.

So please comment. No one comments on anything on mine, makes me feel non-wanted, and like no one cares about me..

I've always been one to think "Everyone hates me, no one cares, everyone's a jerk, everyone's an @ss, I hate you all" ...

So please!!! Comment!!! Even if all you have to say is "hmm" ... Just..Please..comment...


:' )

Thanks for reading

~Kiana
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