Its My Birthday..... And I'm Crying?

Konnichiwa, minasan.........

So today's my birthday.. 14th Birthday.

And I'm crying. I never slept last night, again [I haven't really slept for the past 2 or 3 weeks..] ..

I started crying like mad earlier, because my "boyfriend" Ryan texted me and was like "*kisses u* Happy Birthday, Amber-channnn!! Daisuki!" .... So I was like "Ooh, yay!"  But then he came online minutes later, and started saying a bunch of uber-sweet things to me, like..

When you take a bouquet of 11 roses and look into a mirror, you're staring at 12 beautiful things.


And

*looks into your eyes* You are always beautiful to me, in my eyes, no matter how you dress, what you choose, or whatever you may turn out to be. I love you..


And this one! ;___;

*hands you a bouquet of roses, 11 real, 1 fake* I will love you 'til the last rose dies.. 


I just started crying like crazy, tears running down my face, at, like.... 100 kph ..........

Not too long ago, I started watching a bunch of sad videos, now I'm watching: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mEJfSrIVbmU&feature=related ---and just because of the song, my knowledge of the movie and the point of the video [but mainly the song], I just broke down crying agian!!

Also, knowing that.. My mom and dad are fighting in court, everyone hates each other, my eldest brother hates my mom~ .... And nothing..... nothing.. has been done for my birthday in the past 3 years.

I reminisce, how my brothers', grandpa's, grandma's, stepdad's, uncle's, mom's, whatever-- birthdays were celebrated in a fun way! Like, streamers were put up all around the house, a big cake was bought, happiness was within everyone, and most of my family was here...

But everytime my birthday came around, someone either didn't say a single thing to me, or just said "Happy Birthday, Miss," and then went on with what they normally do everyday.

My mom [what seemed, carelessly-] said "happy early birthday" around 2 am, then went up to bed.. My brother came down to show me his haircut, and to make food, around 3:45 am.. He never said a thing. But then again, he never does..

My stepdad came downstairs, and annoyingly said "Good morning" then went on his laptop..

My dad called and said happy birthday last night~

But mainly, I've only truly been told "Happy Birthday" by online friends!

One, my gay friend "Rune" said Happy Birthday a day or two ago, on DeviantART ... Then Ryan ["boyfriend"] said it.. He gave me a lovely gift, though..

Many virtual hugs, kisses, sweet words, and he, um.... showed me his "something" on camera... O_O

But anyway, it sucks! I've told ALL of my dA contacts Happy Birthday when their birthdays rolled around, but they don't return it? .... >.>"

So yeah! I'm emotional.. I want to go up to my room with my laptop, watch depressing videos, listen to sad music, and cry while hugging a pillow on my bed. I want to cut my wrist again, too! ....

I guess... I'm thinking about my past, what I've lost, and what I've gained.. And how things are..

If someone were to ask me, "Do you like the Present, or would you rather go back to the Past?" ... I'd choose, my Past. My Past was so much better than now......

My parents weren't arguing as much [they've been divorced for 11 years, btw], I didn't have a stepdad with an OBNOXIOUS daughter [Stepdad's not the issue, his stupid daughter is] ... If I go back far enough, I could say-

I lived a normal, happy, cheerful life. I wasn't severely depressed, I wasn't Nocturnal, or Vampiric, or an Insomniac... I wasn't crying over school everyday [The 2nd half of my grade 7 year took place where I live now, in Hamilton, and it was the worst ever.. I had no friends, my teacher was a bitch...etc], I wasn't crying several times a day [or week or month... Around 3 months ago, I used to cry every night]

And you know what? .. I don't know about this, but who fucking cries and mourns on their 14th birthday, while listening to sad music, thinking of a sad past, and looking at a site to join the Canadian Army???

Just kill me now.. I don't care if I won't ever get to drive, ever get to join the army, ever get to go to Japan~ .... I just want to die.... But then I remember that statement:

~When you feel like giving up, just remember why you held on for so long..~  

And I start crying again.....

So, would you do me the honours... And cheer me up, or kill me....?   TT_____TT


[P.S... Not to mention, the fact that my stepdads practically ignoring me --though I don't necessarily mind--, and he's freaking out --swearing-- over the game he's playing]



XxReianxX                       [My emo/2nd alias name]